The Recession: A Love Story

I was angry all the time.

I hated my job. The big boss picked on me.

I knew Bill had a ring, but he was waiting until he had a secure job to propose.

I saw a therapist. She told me the job was crazy, not me. I had a feeling I was going to get laid off.

I got laid off. 

I wanted to blow things up.

I got really drunk and vomited gyro all over a brick road. Bill took care of me. I slept on the floor.

I was really sad and drank a lot, and then my computer crashed. Then I drank more.

I folded Bill’s laundry and set it by his dresser. A week passed and the laundry basket was still sitting there.

I was angry and put his clothes away for him. I found a ring in the drawer.

I tried it on and put it back in the drawer.

I tried it on again and wore it around the apartment when I was alone.

I told Bill that I found the ring.

I told Bill that he needed to find a job.

I went to New York to buy some fabric and visit some friends. It was fun, but Bill said that he would never be happy living there. New York is too expensive. My severance pay was almost up.

I bought a new computer on credit. I needed it to get a new job.

I started getting unemployment checks. It was only enough money to cover my rent and health insurance.

I went into debt.

I didn't have enough money to afford my medication, so I stopped taking it. I stopped paying for health insurance too.

I was anxious and sad all the time.

I realized that I had gained a lot of weight. Then I got more sad and anxious.

I did a few projects.

I had a few interviews.

I had to buy a bunch of bridesmaid stuff for a wedding. The wedding was terrible. I had two panic attacks and soaked the shoulder of my brother’s dress shirt with tears. The wedding was outdoors and it was really hot.

I gave a sweet toast, even though I was disgusted with the bride and groom. I got really drunk and vomited lasagna and wine into the shapes of the Hawaiian Islands. Bill took care of me again.

I got a job offer in Cincinnati, so Bill and I moved into his parent’s basement in the country. 

I lived out of a box. 

I started a new job.

I told Bill he needed to get a job.

I started taking my medication again.

I moved into an apartment in the city with Bill.

I was happy when he got a job nearby.

I still drank too much.

I lied about it.

I was angry all the time.

I went to a couple of AA meetings. I met some kind people there, and realized I'm not an alcoholic. I needed therapy.

I had a long talk with Bill about the last few years.

I went to see my old doctor in Clifton. She told me to stop drinking. I did. She told me to me to exercise and take vitamins. I did. She told me not to resent Bill for things he can't control. She told me not to resent myself for things I can't control.

I felt better. 

I started listening to Bill's stories again. 

I laughed.

I realized life is not all about me.

Bill and I started to be happy again.

The Many Moods of Grandma’s Radio

Growing up, my mom’s parents lived a short drive away on a farm at the fringe of Lebanon. Some of my most fond memories were in that old farmhouse. I remember the way the wood step to the kitchen was worn smooth from use and the way the light filtered through the sheer curtains at the bay window. I could hear crickets and the occasional lull of a car passing by.

It was quiet.

For my paranoid schizophrenic Grandma, this lack of sound was unsettling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so7WUf6hMk8

In the front room, hidden behind a door and a curtain, stood what appeared to be a mid century modern buffet. This unsuspecting piece of furniture was Grandma’s secret weapon to combat the isolation, for it contained a built in radio. It released a constant stream of 1960 quality sound and melodic voices that had a way of bringing Grandma back to reality.

For me, being the obsessive-compulsive germ-o-phobe, my favorite past time at the farmhouse was dusting. Grandma would hand me a rag, a bottle of Pledge, and let me go to town while she lounged on her bed. All the while, The Turtles and The Beach Boys were droning softly in the background. I would take extra care cleaning the crevices of the carved wooden box on Grandma’s dresser and at times her fuchsia Clinique lipstick would ‘accidentally’ find its way onto my face. When I finished cleaning, she would give me a paper bag of loose change and a stack of penny rolls. Sometimes my pay out was a couple of cents, but every now and then I got some serious dough. This was how I afforded my most prized Barbie accessories.

As she lay in a daze while I scurried around her, I could sense Grandma’s sadness. I observed as the sounds emitting from the antique speakers altered her mood. I learned that songs like Purple People Eater made her giggle, anything by Dickey Lee left her in a pseudo catatonic state, and Elvis ALWAYS made her happy. To cheer her up, I would get a running start and slide across the hard wood floor with my blankie wrapped around my small frame like a caplet. Raising it up with a simultaneous lip curl and my best Elvis impression, I would perform, ‘Thank you. Thank you very much’. This always made Grandma smile.

And so was born my love of music. No memory is complete without a soundtrack. I can assign a sound to my most vivid memories as a child, my father singing me to sleep, car trips filled with silly songs, and even the days in the countryside, when ambient sound filled the silence.

Silence is Golden

It is a rare occasion that a Facebook post will deeply move me. It happened today.

Over the past few years, I have been thinking a lot about navigating the social boundaries of others and how to communicate my own personal boundary expectations. Throughout my life, I have had the pleasure of meeting a handful of those special people with which I have had instant rapport. Those encounters are the exception to the rule. Most of my relationships are a series of awkward interactions until I can find common ground with a new person. As a born introvert, I have had to work very hard to express my inner thoughts in a verbal way. I am told that as a child I didn’t even speak to my own grandmother until I could form full sentences. I’ve known some people to perceive me as dumb, snobby, or meek upon first impression. These misperceptions don’t bother me because when I do speak… I have learned that it packs more punch.

While perusing my Facebook feed, I was drawn to an article posted by a high school acquaintance. She graduated a year ahead of me and exhibited some of the same introvert behaviors as myself. We were never close, but based on her social media posts, we should have been. We did spend one week of summer camp in the same cabin, and unbeknownst to the adolescent me, she is wicked smart and would become a talented photographer and educator.

What struck me most about the article was not the surface content, but the conclusions I drew from it. Since when did it become okay to ask complete strangers deeply personal questions?

Maybe… I can’t have children.

Maybe… I like cats better than humans.

Maybe… I will never find the right ‘man’.

Maybe… I got laid off and am waiting to find a new source of income.

Maybe… I love something different.

Maybe… I have a greater capacity to love than you.

I would never casually ask an acquaintance about their divorce / family history of mental illness / how many people they’ve slept with. How is it okay for people to judge me based on my marriage status or lack of children? It’s one thing to have close personal friends and family ask these questions, but when your coworkers and casual acquaintances start giving you a sales pitch on how to live your life, it’s time to give them the keys to the street... and do it tonight.

Regardless of your personal beliefs, every human soul has a unique experience. I have known so many amazing role models in my life.

Some are old.

Some are young.

Some are women.

Some are men.

Some have children.

Some don’t have children.

You can never force your own experiences on someone else. In the words of my all time favorite naïve character, Dirk Diggler, ‘It’s just not sexy.”

Before you ask that inappropriate question, think of what your introvert friends would do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n03g8nsaBro

Silence is golden.

Spicy Summer Salad with Papaya Vinaigrette

A couple of years ago, Bill moved to California to work for a bicycle company in Irvine. During that time, we were introduced to one of our all time favorite restaurants, Native Foods. Bill bought me the cookbook and we have altered a couple of the recipes to come up with one of our favorite meals.

Salad

-       Romaine, chopped

-      Taco Meat*

-      Kernels from 3 cobs of cooked corn

-      2 medium tomatoes, diced

-      1 Cucumber, peeled and diced

-      ½ Red Onion, diced

Toss all ingredients in bowl and garnish...

-      Avocado slices, garnish

-      Fresh cilantro leaves, garnish

-      Cayenne pepper, garnish

*Taco Meat

-       1 package lightlife veggie grounds (http://www.lightlife.com/Vegan-Food-Vegetarian-Diet/Smart-Grounds-Original)

-       ½ cup water

-       ¼ cup soy sauce

-       2 TBS olive oil

-       1 tsp Cumin Powder

-       1 tsp Ground Coriander

-       ¼ tsp Garlic Powder

-       ¼ tsp Onion Powder

-       ¼ tsp Crushed Red Pepper

-       1 jalapeno, minced

1. Combine all ingredients in saucepan and bring to boil. Remove from flame and let sit 10 minutes or until liquid is absorbed.

Papaya Lime Vinaigrette

-       1 Cup chopped papaya

-       ½ cup safflower oil

-       ¼ cup maple syrup

-       ¼ cup lime juice

-       1 TBS rice vinegar

-       1 ½ tsp sea salt

-       1 ½ tsp grated fresh ginger

1. Blend all ingredients and drizzle over salad.

Delcious Detroit

Last Friday Bill and I drove up to Detroit to visit some of our favorite friends. It just so happened to be the same day that Detroit filed for bankruptcy. Upon entering the city, we couldn't help but notice an abundance of abandoned skyscrapers and busted out windows on the homes visible from I75. This contrasted perfectly with the vibrantly lit casinos, reminding Bill of Hill Valley under the reign of Biff Tannen.

How did they get the graffiti up there?

We continued north several miles out of downtown and arrived at our friends' house in the hip Royal Oak neighborhood. It has a bustling main street that feels like a bigger version of the Short North in Columbus, a far cry from the destitute city we had just passed.

***

On Saturday, we were excited to get the royal driving tour through the ruins of downtown. Even though, half of the buildings are abandoned, there are still a great deal of people who work in the city, so naturally there are some great eats. We stopped at our friend's favorite sandwich place, Mudgies Deli. It's small vintage orange interior matched up with the funk tunes on the speakers for a perfect 70's vibe. I felt right at home.

My friend and I decided to try the sweet and savory turkey sandwich, 'Sho'Nuff'. It was delicious, and I have been craving it for several days.

***

Today, I tried my take on it, which was quite successful if I do say so myself.

      Sweet & Savory Turkey Club

• 2 slices whole wheat toast (the bread is from the bakery at Whole Foods)
• cream cheese on one slice
• strawberry jam on the other slice
• Applewood Farms smoked turkey breast
• crispy bacon
• fresh baby spinach

Every time I make this sandwich, I'll remember how much fun we had last weekend! -ALT

I'm So EXCITED!

I am super stoked for this weekend! Bill and I are driving up to Detroit to visit some friends we haven't seen in over a year. Its time to bust out the dancing shoes and the Ultimate Falsetto Dance Mix. Let's see if Bill can handle the upper body 'car dancing'.

1. Don't Stop Me Now - Queen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM

2. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYNYb30nxU

3. Danger! High Voltage - Electric Six

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a4gyJsY0mc

4. Of Montreal - Gronlandic Edit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBfgQvM7wtE

5. Kiss - Prince

6. Get Lucky - Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NV6Rdv1a3I

7. Love Today - Mika

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWiccrTB4LM

8.Canned Heat - Jamiroquai

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE4VlA_9OrI

9. Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke ft. T.I, Pharrell (Clothed Version)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyDUC1LUXSU

10. Superfly - Curtis Mayfield

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cmo6MRYf5g

11. Got to Give It Up - Marvin Gaye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQ3Mh_JfYC0

12. Debra - Beck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qL_9zWmDcjs

Love Y'all! Have a GREAT WEEKEND!!!

Safe Space

I have anxiety. I always have and I always will. Have. ANXIETY. It’s not the normal nervous kind of anxiety before an important test or speech. I actually handle those situations quite well. It’s the ‘wash my hands an even number of times after touching the bathroom doorknob or my family will perish’ crazy kind of anxiety. It. Doesn’t. Go. Away.

I’m 28 and I still have panic attacks, but I’m learning how to deal with them. I have to process my emotions in a safe space. I have moved at least once every year since I left my parents’ house and in every new location I have to set up a new quiet space. For me, this means a comfy chair in a peaceful room with a lot of natural light.

This is my current safe space and my favorite yet…

I like it because there’s only one chair. Bill knows that when I’m sitting in that chair, I am reflecting, reading, or watching Pretty Little Liars. And before you start... don’t even hate on PLL! It always brings back some of my favorite childhood memories. When I watch it, I remember going to my elderly neighbors’ house to watch Murder She Wrote. Monie would always give me a scoop of Rainbow Sherbet on a sugar cone. Sometimes she would lick the scoop and her tongue would stick. She resolved the issue by running some warm water and would stick her mouth under the faucet until the scoop unfroze. We would move to the living room to play solitaire until it was time for Jessica Fletcher to solve her next crime. I usually sat on the floor next to George’s recliner because I liked how he smelled like the cherry pipe tobacco that he smoked outside. I always wanted a chair that was all mine. Now that I have one, I sometimes close my eyes and can smell the tobacco and taste that last bite of ice cream cone.